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This is your astrological guide for the coming cycle. Remember, 2012 is a leap year. That is irrelevant if you follow the Mayan calendar. Everything’s irrelevant if you follow the Mayan calendar—Mayans are probably running up a ton of credit-card debt right now (and by the way, Mayan stocks are a definite “sell”).

But if you bought a regular 2012 calendar, the world will probably go on—and have an extra day. This will make 2012 a year fraught with possibility and pain for every zodiac sign.

No more excuses. All the things you’ve been putting off since 2009—organizing closets, painting the house, cleaning out the kitty-litter box, doing the dishes—will come due in 2012. You will have an extra day. How will you spend it? Connecting with friends and making your world a happier place? Or mired in self-loathing? I only ask because either way you’ll need liquor. Put it on your list.

Without further ado, your horoscopes for 2012:

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Aquarius

Water signs are supposed to be cool. Who doesn’t like water? Well, after 2011, plenty of folks. A tsunami in Japan, massive floods from Thailand to Australia to Mississippi to Manitoba and, on a more prosaic note, the downpour that drenched your neighbour’s big barbecue last summer. Aquarius, you’re scary. You like to be all “Look at my mirrored lakes, life-giving springs and gentle, meandering creeks where adorable, tasty fishies play,” but you can be one passive-aggressive little cupcake. Comes an earthquake or a monsoon and, boom, you’re off your meds. In 2012 you may find your passport revoked as more and more countries figure out you’re just not worth the trouble. Behave yourself. People only like you when you know your place.

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Pisces

Whales aren’t really fish. That’s too bad, Pisces, because people like whales. And rarely eat them. But you, Pisces? You’re a fish. Different deal. Organizations raise a great deal of money to protect whales, despite the fact that even grizzly bears are afraid to mess with them. Meanwhile, those same grizzlies are gobbling helpless fish like there’s no tomorrow and Greenpeace turns a blind eye. Nor is there much support on the literary front. Herman Melville wrote the Great American Novel about the hunt for a great white whale. Spoiler: the whale wins. Try writing the Great Canadian Novel about a giant trout. It better be a comedy.

The upshot? For you, Pisces, the calendar might as well be a menu—and you’re on it. Three-hundred sixty-six pages in the daily planner and every one of them has a Catch of the Day. My 2012 advice to you? Swim, Pisces! Swim from net and hook and claw! See you next year. Maybe.

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Aries

Commencing March 21, yours is the first sign of spring. Do you know what that means, Aries? Neither do I. Neither does anybody. As the harbinger of spring you are the ultimate mixed bag. You may bring sunshine. You may bring hail. Smile upon the Earth with abundance, or crush every brave little crocus under two feet of sludgy snow. For all the sweet talk about new beginnings, you frequently appear absolutely indistinguishable from the freezing gloom that preceded you. You’re better as a concept than a reality. You, Aries, are like the Super Bowl—the advertising turns out to be better than the actual game.

So, in 2012, Aries, why not surprise us? Surprise us by being predictable. Banish the dark. Bring the sun. Pretty flowers and fuzzy baby ducks—that’s your mandate. Otherwise, brace yourself for another wave of breach-of-promise suits. We’re all getting sick of your antics.

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Taurus

In 2011, North America was gripped by the Occupy Wall Street movement and its fight for economic justice and income equality. As 2012 progresses, Taurus, you will find yourself increasingly affected by the ideals of the Occupy movement. And this will seriously harsh your NHL buzz.

Until now you have thrilled to the sight of fast-paced professional hockey action—Tanguay to Iginla on the power play, and it’s in the net! But now, Taurus, you begin to see it differently. Now it’s just another rich right winger shooting for a higher net with lower taxes while the masses look on passively, then celebrating with the other oligarchs who have skated their way into the one per cent by taking ticket and beer money from the ordinary working people. Can you really cheer as Olli (Multinational) Jokinen shoots red herrings at the straw man set up by Big Media to distract us from the corporate power-play structure?

But don’t worry, Taurus. Assuming you’re a Flames fan, your torment will end abruptly in mid-April when the team folds up like an off-duty Transformer. How about a game of Monopoly?

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Gemini

By now you have probably heard about the amazing experiments that suggest neutrinos can travel faster than the speed of light, seemingly breaking the most fundamental law of physics. The implications are astounding, including even time travel. We in the astrological community are all over it. It is now possible to predict with perfect certainty what will happen to you in 2012, Gemini. Because it has already happened.

The events you experienced in what you believed to be 2011 were in fact the time-shifted events of 2012. All the embarrassments and hair disasters you thought were past are in fact waiting to be experienced anew in their proper time. Hope you had a good one in 2011 because it’s all coming back, like temporal acid reflux.

Of course, with all the sequential shifting going on, it is possible that you will not experience 2011 again. Instead, the events that you will experience in 2012 will be the time-shifted events of 2013. I would happily tell you about them, but 2013 falls outside the mandate of this forecast. Somebody has to stand up for linear chronology. Damn straight.

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Cancer

Cancer, you share your sign with the vivacious Lindsay Lohan! And that’s not all you’ll share—this year the effervescent Ms. Lohan will be coming to town to shoot a new film called Pussycat in Cell Block C (a documentary). You two are going to be BFFs! Hope you can keep up. There’s a lot of community service in your future. Lindsay will be on a whirlwind of court-appointed activity, such as allowing the less fortunate to do her nails. And you’ll be right there, pouring out the drinks and flattery. How exciting for you, Cancer!

Alas, the circus must move along eventually. And when it does you’ll be left behind like a discarded ankle bracelet. The latter part of 2012 will be spent drying out and attempting to mend fences with neglected friends and creditors. Things are not going to go too well, Cancer, and Lindsay didn’t even leave you the number of her bail bondsman. But you’ll always have your memories. And the scar from that drunken nail-file accident. Did she ever apologize for that?

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Leo

Leo, the U.S. presidential campaign will be going strong in 2012. It should be a real classic. And you’ll be in the thick of it.

The Republican Party has a viable candidate in Mitt Romney, and as 2012 progresses it will continue its desperate attempt to avoid him. The GOP has gone through an array of hopefuls, each of whom have had their moment before falling by the wayside faster than you can say “Kim Kardashian got married.” From Sarah Palin to Michelle Bachmann to Rick Perry to Herman Cain to Newt Gingrich and, in 2012, Tootie from The Facts of Life and, eventually, the banjo-picking inbred from Deliverance. Finally, Leo, having exhausted all other non-Romney possibilities, the GOP will come to you—just as you always planned. You’ll hold all the cards, Leo! For approximately a week, until the breaking news about that thing in college. No, the one in the dorm. At the birthday party, with the badger. And the Susan Boyle impersonator. You’re washed up, Leo. But honestly, your “human lampposts” jobs strategy sucked anyway.

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Virgo

Virgo! Thanks to the powers of divination granted by the zodiac, I can reveal to you the cover stories from next August’s issue of Cosmo: “Is sex still sexy? We ask the sexperts! Also: Sex up your upper sex with 60 new sexercises! Plus: Have you ever faked an orgasm while in a supermarket checkout line reading Cosmo?”

As well, Virgo, I can promise you that somewhere, sometime during 2012, a politician will make a lot of big promises, then declare that public finances are in such shocking condition—much worse than expected—that all those promises are on hold. Unfortunately, the pre-written press release will accidentally be sent out two weeks before the election. The disgraced candidate will be defeated. The winning candidate will take office and, after getting a look at the books, will announce some bad news about her campaign pledge to create personal mini-water parks for all.

But I suppose you want to hear something about yourself, Virgo? Well, you’ll have good days and bad days. I guess.

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Libra

Bad news, Libra: 2012 is not going to be a good year for you financially. It’s not so much the economy. I can’t really tell you anything about that. But one day you’ll be lined up at the bank to deposit all your savings when the glass doors will swing open and there will stand a machine-gun-toting Lindsay Lohan. “I’m tired of these penny-ante probation violations,” she’ll bark. “Might as well go all out. They’re just going to give me community service anyway.”

She and her gang (that’s Cancer) will rob you of every dime. After that, Libra, things go straight downhill for you. Broke and desperate, you will suddenly recall that the Royal Canadian Mint is now making $100 bills out of plastic. Your subsequent attempt to pay your rent with Safeway bags will leave you homeless and out on the street.

Things will finally turn around when bank security-camera video of you and Lohan inspires sympathetic producers to cast you in a makeover show. When that 15 minutes is up, Libra, turn to hoarding. Very hot now.

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Scorpio

Family is a major priority for you in 2012, Scorpio. And you know what that means: the DNA tests come back positive.

No lawyer can help you now. Family must become a priority. Some changes will have to be made, at least on court-ordered visitation days.

Remember to keep breakable objects on a high shelf, along with your collection of classic DVDs like Cheerleader Mash-Up and Through the Five Hole. Also: taco chips in milk are not an appropriate breakfast cereal. Although it’s worth a try—can’t be any worse for the little monster than Count Chocula.

All of this will make 2012 a year of tremendous growth, Scorpio. Which means you’d better fill a few inside straights in those Monday night Texas Hold ’Em games because, as of now, “Baby needs new shoes” isn’t just a wisecrack anymore.

The whole experience will make you a better person. Tough break, guy.

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Sagittarius

You are the Archer, Sagittarius. Your eye is keen, your arm is mighty, your aim is true. You’re probably a really good bowler. But beware—prowess can lead to arrogance. If you’ve ever watched The Big Lebowski you know what I’m saying. You remember the guy who dressed in purple and called himself Jesus? You can’t get any more arrogant than that, even though he was undeniably a pretty great bowler. There’s nothing in the Bible about bowling, but there is this: “Pride goeth before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”

The strange thing is, Jesus the Bowler never gets his comeuppance in The Big Lebowski. You figure he will because that’s been the template for virtually every sports-based tale in cinematic history. No, the Dude gets that rich woman pregnant and Donnie dies of a heart attack. Poor Donnie. Instead of stepping up at the big moment and proving everyone wrong by out-bowling Purple Jesus in the big match, he dies of a heart attack. I would have written that ending differently. But, as the Stars instruct, we do not always get what we ask for. For that reason it’s best to stay humble. And avoid wearing purple.

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Capricorn

Capricorn, did you know that you are a “sea-goat”? That’s what you are, dude. In Greek mythology Capricorn is sort of a part-goat, part-fish. You’re like a walking Jamaican surf ’n’ turf special. Goat and fish—who would ever come up with that?

It’s not exactly up there with the magical combination of smooth milk chocolate and peanut-butter filling. If every little mermaid looked like you, Capricorn, Disney would have gone into receivership years ago.

So what’s coming for you in 2012? I don’t know what to say. I know so little about sea goats. Perhaps your dreams of Olympic swimming glory will be destroyed by repeated disqualifications for head-butting. Who knows? I can’t take you seriously, Capricorn. A sea-goat! Please.