For anyone stuck in rush-hour traffic on Macleod Trail, the giant billboard with the bee-stung-lipped supermodel announcing the imminent arrival of a Victoria’s Secret to Chinook Centre has been hard to ignore.
A favourite destination of cross-border shoppers, Victoria’s Secret is the No. 1 retailer of lingerie in the U.S.; its app also reached the No. 1 position on the top free iPad Apps chart when it launched in October. (Though one suspects the latter achievement had way more to do with high-school boys in the bathroom during spare period checking out Adrian Lima—supine on a chaise lounge in a lace bra, garter, sheer stockings and three-inch stilettos—than a sudden, worldwide need for polyester lace panties.
I wish Victoria’s Secret had been around back in the day, when I briefly had a job in New York costuming the Rockettes for a car show. For each chorus girl assigned to a specific car, I had to concoct a co-ordinating outfit. I bring this up because matching one’s bra to a car finish is the only reason I can think of for why anyone would ever need, much less want, a padded sateen push-up bra the colour of a Granny Smith apple. Which is the sort of thing in which Victoria’s Secret has cornered the market.
Actually, I’m told by an expat American friend that Victoria’s Secret’s cotton panties are nice for the price, if not of the highest quality. Despite the fact that their “Angels” marketing shtick leaves me cold (Victoria’s Secret calls their models “Angels” the way Playboy calls theirs “Playmates”; the cheesy objectification amounts to the same thing), I look forward to trying a pair on for size once the opening-day madness abates. (In August, hundreds lined up before the crack of dawn when the West Edmonton Mall outpost opened, a phenomenon likely to be repeated at Chinook Centre.)
Still, it’ll be hard to get me out of my Hanky Panky lace thongs. For those who haven’t tried them—and I can’t understand why they’re not everyone’s underwear of choice—one size fits most. Hanky Panky style #4811 is second to none for quality, easy care and comfort. A pair weighs a mere half an ounce, making them great to travel with; they’re as easy to wash in a hotel sink as a pair of Tilley’s Women’s Travel Underwear and way sexier. They also lie flat, leaving no VPL (visible panty line) under most clothes. I implore any woman who claims thongs are uncomfortable to try a pair. They even come in a dozen shades of green, should you for some reason need to match your panties to a car.
But if your no-VPL needs are paramount, and if the thought of your torso spending the evening stuffed into sausage casing isn’t a turn off, Spanx may be the way to go.
A modern take on grandma’s girdle, Spanx can count legions of fans. Oprah claims they’re the only thing she wears next to her vajayjay. Sarah Palin reportedly bought hers using campaign finance funds. Gwyneth Paltrow claims she wore two at once in order to fit into a red-carpet dress within weeks of giving birth to her daugher, Apple.
Where once I counted myself among the shapewear’s many fans, in recent years I’ve tempered my praise somewhat. While the Slim Cognito Shape Suit will smooth and squeeze you into that too small dress, the panties—should you own a roll of fat around the middle—simply send the love handles northward. (Or, to quote my friend Melody, “do you want the donut around your hips or your rib cage?”) Save your money: buy a pair of control top pantyhose and cut the legs off. That was the foundation of Spanx founder Sara Blakely’s empire to begin with.
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Originally published in Swerve Magazine on Mar.25.11.
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youngblut
9:18 AM
Just bought my first Hanky Panky thong at The Cat’s Pyjamas (the owner, Mary, swears she sold Rita her first Hanky Panky as well). It’s one size fits all, which I really hope is true.